Ask The Fallacy Nerd

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

What is the meaning of BLOG?

I have been trying to press others into joining the blog team.

Posts have been hard to come by and I have been asking certain people to help out, but they always ask me what "blog" means...

I can't answer that question. At least not with words. I think this picture explains what "blog" means...

Oh and to ask the specific question about what this "blog" is about...

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Awesomeville Stamps

I had to go get stamps at the new Awesomeville Post Office today.

Can anyone tell me why those employees at the Post Office have to wear those pseudo-cop uniforms? I mean, "Ooooh, I'm so important, and I look official." How official does a guy who accepts my pennies to send a letter have to look?

And that ZIP code system is a real scam. Yeah, the guy that invented that really made out big. Just watch out for the old five-o attendant or the post master General when you're standing in line waiting for that care package your mom sent you.

Sunday, November 26, 2006


People are not returning the pencils from the professor evaluations. This is a great source of frustation to the dean.

To stop this wretched behavior, the Awesomeville Evil Scientist Society has created anti-theft pencils. When the pencil leaves the classroom the thief gets a dose pie in the kisser. The world is now a better place.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Sharing with a Maniac

So you're just sitting there, minding your own business, and your so-called buddy comes over, unannounced, and begins to dig through your stash of goodies. He's not just looking this time; he's come to claim some of your hard-earned snacks for himself.

We all know this guy: it's the same guy that's always right even when he's not, always has a better way of doing things -- you know the type.

So this sicko grabs your last bag of potato chips, and starts digging his grimey paws into them behind your back. You turn around, see what has just transpired, and ponder what to do next.

What can you do?

Take a chip... in fact, take two... Even though you don't really want them. Act like nothing's really wrong.

Have you met this guy? You then hear this genius say, "Hey, I betcha can't eat just one."

That leaves you with one move. Take that second chip you were about to stick in your mouth, throw it back in the bag of chips, and send him on his way. Checkmate.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Awesomeville Legal Academy Faculty - Out to Get Students

I heard the news during the break...

The student senate has learned that the faculty are pushing to get internet access turned off during class... This is an outrage.

I understand that legal scholars are inherently anti-technology, but this is a bit too much.

As students we use the wireless internet for many essential tasks to enhance our learning experience.

In order to further the cause I have layed out some of these well purposed uses of technology to show the faculty their folly. Some of the items are enumerated below:

1) Shopping
2) Reading Sports Updates
3) Blogging
4) Reading Blogs
5) Looking for Photos of Hot Girls on Facebook
6) Instant Messaging
7) Downloading free casebriefs "just in case"

I am confident that once the faculty sees this list, they will understand that this is something they can simply not turn off. Unless our student senate representative was right and the faculty really are out to "C-B" us.

That would be a shame...

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Another problem averted, in Awesomeville


Early 1990's. Researchers at the University of Vienna become interested in quantum teleportation and successfully teleport light, a series of photons, from one end of the lab to the other. Since photons are massless, the news doesn't hit the mainstream public.


October, 2006. Through an involved process of quantum entanglement, quantum measurement, and quantum feedback, the Neils Bohr Institute at Copenhagen University perfects a method of transporting particles with non-zero mass over short distances via an extremely powerful magnetic field.


Science fiction meets reality. Big deal, so some scientists can move a few atoms a few feet. How does that help me? Well, I say keep your eye on the ball.

Do you actually think in the 15 years between the teleportation of photons and the teleportation of atoms, people have given up on light? Right, I didn't think so. I have been working with some of the faculty at MIT and can finally say that I can bring something useful back to Awesomeville.


October 23, 2006. I see the first of the Christmas lights pop up in my neighborhood. That's right, October 23.


These people in Awesomeville are getting frighteningly close to those jerks who keep their lights up all year round. It's mid-November now and I'm already sick of Christmas. Some guy today wanted to give me a Christmas tree.

No more.

This year, I'm putting my research to work, and instead of Christmas lights, I'm doing quite the opposite. No lights, no white Christmas trees. Nope, I'm hanging Christmas Light Attractors this year. The fellows at MIT and I have developed a light teleportation device that attracts the light from nearby locations, say the Christmas lights from my neighbors for example, and kills it, using the energy absorbed from the light to fuel its massive magnetic field. As long as there are Christmas lights in the vicinity, there is enough energy to power my Attractor, rendering their Christmas lights virtually useless.

Finally, science for the better good of society. At least Awesomeville, anyway.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Skipping Class... Saving Absences...

Law School is a juvenile endeavor.

The professors treat you like children. You are forced to attend class and only get a set amount of absenses a semester.

That's why I spent Friday evening through Sunday morning working on some new class evading technology. I skipped class because of a side prject that had a breakthrough...

Funded by 10 million of my own funds, the Awesomeville Evil Scientist Society has been developing a new class-bot. This machine is similar to a bust that you would see in a museum. When set behind a laptop screen this bust gives the appearance that a student is intently paying attention in class. Meanwhile, the student can be at the local bar trying to pick up members of the opposite sex by talking about being a law student.

The artificial intelligence is quite advanced, among the features are:

Claiming to have passed when the student it is posing as is called on.
Blushing when the topics of abortion and same sex marriage are mentioned.
Shouting out random answers about the Rule Against Perpetuities.

We are currently working out the last few kinks. Unfortunately, the class-bot weighs 3 tons, uses 8 megawatts of power and costs 2.5 million dollars...

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Calling Shotgun

Imagine this. You're going out with the guys -- maybe for some lunch, maybe for a movie, whatever. (Ladies, this is pertinent to you too... but you're going out with the girls of course.) You're all walking out to your buddy's Hyundai, and you hear some jerk yell, "Shotgun!" We've all been there before...

What can you do? Nothin' you can do. He called the front seat, and you're stuck in the back. Again. The driver gets in, flips on some tunes, and before you know it, you're left out of any and all conversations. Yeah, that's real social.

The problem is not with your friends. The problem is the design of the car. Only two people fit up there in the front. The car was designed with inherent anti-social mentality.

Well, I have a solution. I've transformed my Hyundai so that all my friends fit in the back. I guess you could say I've converted it into a limo of sorts... a Hyundaizine. Now all the homies are chillin' in the back having a great time on our way to lunch, and everyone's happy.

...Everyone except for the driver that is. But I got that SOB kitty litter liberal that lost the Awesomeville election to be my driver, since he has nothing better to do now.

NO XPLODE Review - Day 1

Flavor: Blue Raspberry

5:40 AM
I opened the tub for the first time. The powder smelled great - like candy. I mixed it well, the taste was OK.

6:15 AM
I pulled the RV into the parking lot at the health club got a spot right next to the escalator. We have an escalator at our health club because it used to be a Krispy Kreme and it is a big uphill hike to the door. That's actually how I became a member. I went to Krispy Kreme one day and thought I was buying a lifetime membership with free doughnuts.

6:20 AM
I was focused and powering through my pull-ups. I felt a lot different than the previous week.

6:25 AM
Some guy swooped onto the pull-up bar as I got ready for my third set... I felt like I turned into the incredible hulk and I released my anger by punching some machine. I felt the extra power and focus when I switched to other exercises. I finished the workout strong, then I ran 3 miles.

I think this stuff works. I know I act more like a beast on it. I do feel a little dizzy sometimes, but that might be due to taking it on an empty stomach. We'll see if it makes me any stronger.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Election Day Analysis

The democrats gained a lot of power in the elections in Ohio.

The only member of the GOP from Awesomeville to survive Tuesday was the Dog Catcher Lefty Durdle. He narrowly held his spot. He was able to overcome a big scandal. It was revealed that he was taking money (over $73) from the powerful cat litter lobbyist. I think the triumph was due to his excellent campaigning - passing out all of those free "Dirdle Power" pooper-scoopers was pure genius.

I can't remember who or what I voted for. Forgetfullness comes with being over 100. I'll pretend I voted for all of the winners, even though I am pretty sure I didn't.

In the grand scheme of things it doesn't really matter. As long as I can smoke my cigarettes in the bowling alley and revel in the fact that the ball jockeys make less than $6 an hour, I'll be a happy man!

Even though I do admit that I really miss the Bull-Moose Party.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Talkin' Dirty in Awesomeville

Question of the day: what are those objects pictured here. Yeah, that's not a trick question. The good ole Rawlings RO-A and RO-N, essentially built to the same specs, except for the color of the print. Don't ask me why the American League prefers the blue rather than the National League's more appealing black.

But you've never caught a baseball at a game as pristine as those pictured here. Why not? Because, as a ritual, the umpires before every game, rub mud all over the 6-dozen balls prepared for that day's battle. It makes the ball less shiny, darker, and easier to handle. And not it's just any mud -- not just any mud will do -- a special mud not found anywhere else in the world -- Delaware River Mud.

Hah. Until now. You can now find Delaware River Mud in Awesomeville, OH. That's right. I've developed -- no, I've perfected -- a method of rerouting the Delaware River to flow 548 miles directly into Awesomeville, where it now deposits enough mud to supply all major and minor league baseball teams with ample mud for their entire seasons.

Needless to say, I intend to be rich now that I've mastered my plan. I also have enough mud to prepare my own baseballs as well as build a pitching mound made completely of this rare and valuable substance.

Monday, November 06, 2006

A little off the top

The Awesomeville Galleria Mall has a fantastic Salon that I frequent…

I am just too damn old to get cheap hair cuts. It is a plus that the women at the Salon aren’t too bad too look at.

Yesterday, while getting my neck trimmed, the stylista distracted me. She was going on and on about telling me how to get free trial size bottles of shampoo (less alcohol than store brands). As I contemplated how many of those tiny and tempting bottles I could squeeze into my old navy cargo pants, she trimmed one of my eyebrows with the trimmer.

Then before I could scold her she buzzed the other one…

She claims it makes me look 20 years younger. I don’t think I look any younger than 92…

Just to teach her a lesson I refused gel. Not sure why, but when I don’t let her put gel in my hair she gets real mad. The only thing that makes more upset is when I put my knit stocking cap on before I tip her.

Oh, in related news, I can see much better now. I guess the ol’ brows were obscuring my vision. Kind of makes me regret that shouting match I got into at the optometrist.

It also makes me wish I didn’t hide that egg in his ceiling tile.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Introducing StrawMan45 of Awesomeville, OH...

The long awaited introduction. Happy reading...

All this talk of Awesomeville, OH, such little understanding of the appropriateness of its name. I’m the Straw Man of Awesomeville, and I intend to give you, our faithful readers, a little tour around town. Let’s see, I know I have some pictures around here somewhere…

Ok, first, where exactly is Awesomeville? To my knowledge, only like 2 billion actual human people have the pleasure of calling Awesomeville home. So, I can say with almost certainty that most of the visitors to Fallacy Nerd have no idea of our whereabouts. Here’s a map for anyone who wants to come give us visit. All of our civilians would be more than happy to show you around. As you can see, we are at the heart of Ohio, which of course is the Heart of it All. I expect that Awesomeville will become a major tour stop in the near future… you know, for those touring bus services with all the old folks in plaid shirts, white slacks, and vinyl shoes.

Here I am, walking all over my newly-built house looking for all my pictures. Having a brand new house is certainly awesome, but it has its limitations – like right now, I can’t find any of my pictures of Awesomeville. So I’ll just walk down the fresh paved Main Street and take a picture of my house for you to see.

There it is. I’ll tell you, for those of you who have never built a house, it’s like having bipolar disorder. It’s great because you get your house exactly how you want it. But, the process is terrible because every builder on the face of the Earth is averse to doing anything right. Everything from building my Gym/Pitching Tunnel to the correct dimensions right down to architectural details on the façade of the house… the pinnacle of the adversary. And if you’re in what I’d call a smaller village like mine, you always have to think about infrastructure. I was just 16 electricity poles away from the nearest neighbor – Red Herring, you may have met – so I had to wait for them to extend the power out to my lot so I could obtain those elusive “holes” – Holes! I need holes!

Three years later – I’m living in Awesomeville, OH, in my dream house, corn fields in my back yard, grass fields in my front, and sky as far as the eye can see. I hope you can make it out here some time, we’d love to have you!

Friday, November 03, 2006

Cruisin’ in Awesomeville

I enjoy driving my RV around town. I don’t really take any vacations, but I need the 2,000 sqaure feet for grocery shopping. I get my box of wine and pint of ice cream everyday at 9 AM. I can put my wine in the fridge and ice cream in the freezer. This allows cruise up and down Main Street 75 times without worrying about melting the mint chip ice cream.

My favorite station was busy so I drove to the gas station that still has a guy that pumps the gas. The only problem is that they charge 2 cents extra per gallon for this service.

I had a plan…

I pulled into the gas station and crawled out of the cab of the coach and pretended not to see the large “FULL SERVICE” sign.

When the pump man tried to stop me I said,

“I got this, thanks…”

Pumped my 54 gallons of gas and was on my way…

I saved over $1.

Actually now that I think about I might have forgotten to pay altogether…

Gotta go!!! I still have to polish off this box of wine before class. Maybe I’ll wear my glasses. Sometimes I like to see what kind of birds I squash with the motor coach.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Introducing RedHerring45

I am the oldest student in the night division at the Awesomeville Legal Academy. I am 102... The second oldest is 48. He is wasting his time... He won't graduate until he is 52. Then what is he going to do?

Nobody will hire a 52 year old as a first year associate. Everytime I see him in class I just shake my head. Plus he is kinda overweight. I stay in shape by eating only cornbread and milk.

Oh... Let's get to the post.

I hate political ads. All I know about the person running for mayor of Awesomeville is that the other person says he sucks. So, basically no matter what, I am voting for someone who sucks.

I am voting for the first person who has an ad that actually tells me something about what they believe in.

Well, actually that is not true. I can't vote. There was a snafu when I turned 100. I guess the voting registry can only keep track of 2 digit age numbers. So, they think I am dead...

But, if I were alive I would vote for the first one who told me something about themselves. Maybe that old guy in my evening class could run for mayor after he graduates. Seeing how nobody will hire someone that old.