Talkin' Dirty in Awesomeville

Question of the day: what are those objects pictured here. Yeah, that's not a trick question. The good ole Rawlings RO-A and RO-N, essentially built to the same specs, except for the color of the print. Don't ask me why the American League prefers the blue rather than the National League's more appealing black.



But you've never caught a baseball at a game as pristine as those pictured here. Why not? Because, as a ritual, the umpires before every game, rub mud all over the 6-dozen balls prepared for that day's battle. It makes the ball less shiny, darker, and easier to handle. And not it's just any mud -- not just any mud will do -- a special mud not found anywhere else in the world -- Delaware River Mud.

Hah. Until now. You can now find Delaware River Mud in Awesomeville, OH. That's right. I've developed -- no, I've perfected -- a method of rerouting the Delaware River to flow 548 miles directly into Awesomeville, where it now deposits enough mud to supply all major and minor league baseball teams with ample mud for their entire seasons.

Needless to say, I intend to be rich now that I've mastered my plan. I also have enough mud to prepare my own baseballs as well as build a pitching mound made completely of this rare and valuable substance.