My main man Al

Al Gore uses 20 times more energy than the average person…

Big surprise…

Dude invented the Internet. I bet he is still using all that power coming up with some sweet new technology.

Everyone knows that famous people are better than everyone else. That’s why of us “average” people need to drive fuel-efficient cars. We need to conserve energy for the important people, like politicians and actors.

They need fuel for their mansions and private planes. Plus those pools don’t heat themselves…

If the rest of us waste fuel by heating our houses and driving big cars filled with kids, where will the energy come from to make movies and perform plastic surgery?

Mockumentry

Al Gore is hilarious...

I saw that Movie... An Inconvenient Truth.

That whole bit with the diagram of water evaporation... Classic! It was almost as funny as the time when he grew the beard.

Al is one of country's finest comedic geniuses. I loved his acceptance speech. He never broke character. The whole "our commitment is a renewable resource."

He is like Borat.

He gives nerds everywhere hope. I mean if the guy who invented the Internet can win an oscar. Maybe engineers will gain wider acceptance.

Popcorn for Prez.

Awesomeville Legal Academy Student Government elections are coming soon.

The hallways are replete with people wearing suits and handing out free brownies and highlighters with their names stuck to them.

I guess my problem is that I am 103 years old… I just can’t relate to their message.

I fail to see how putting a food vending machine that sells microwave chicken wings has made my time at school better. I guess they did make at least one positive change last year. Law students are allowed to park in the faculty lot instead of the garage 100 yards away.

Chicken wings and no walking… Sounds like a lethal combo to me. Next we might get a deep fryer in every classroom or doughnuts for raising your hand.

Oh, to make matters worse, I have succumbed to some sort of Pavlovian thought control. At Sam’s Club on Saturday when I was offered a free slice of cheese, I asked the woman what she was going to do this year if elected…

Edna had some excellent ideas regarding lean pockets, color-coded seating charts and the “Socratic Death Wheel.”

Slyder News

You learn something new everyday...

A guy at work told me that White Castle Burgers have onion flavored cabbage on top instead of onions.

I wanted to dispute it, but the more I thought about it the more it makes sense.

I mean the only thing that passes through my system like white castle is sauerkraut. Gastro-intestinal mystery solved!

I wonder what is in funions?

L.A.S.E.R. Surgery

I went to schedule my laser eye surgery today. I saw a sign and it said that I could get it done for $849 an eye at 0% interest. Science is amazing. I remember back in the day we used to light our home with kerosene. Now they are using lasers with people's eyes...

Simply Amazing!

So, I went to the doctor and said I just wanted one eye done. I think that is sufficient. I figure I could point that laser eye at someone and fry them with my superpowers. I was a little disappointed when I was told that I couldn't have the Blue Laser Surgery, but the Red is adequate.

The surgery is scheduled for next week.

My neighbors cat is really gonna be surprised next time he tries to crap on my copy of the Awesomeville Daily News Journal.

Fax You!

One of my coworkers asked me to send him a test fax... Well, it is easier to explain this way...

EE1 - Dude, can you fax me something?

EE2 - What?

EE1 - Something...

EE2 - Why?

EE1 - I need to test something... Thanks.

So, I go off to fax "something." I decided the something would be a copy of my hand flipping the bird.

Then I dialed up his fax number and off it went. Only (you know it is coming) I sent it to the wrong person. I hit 8 instead of 0...

I looked the guy up in the org chart. He is nobody special. Just another engineer. So, I dfeinately won't get fired...

The dilemna is... Do I call him and explain the fax?

Personally, it would make my day if I got a random middle finger faxed to me. But then again, I am pretty random...

RedHerring45 shaves his head

I did it...

I just couldn't take the pressure any more so I shaved my head.

I walked right into Gil's Barber Shop on Main St. in Awesomeville and told him to take it off. He protested. He said that he didn't want me to sue him for harming my sex appeal. He didn't like to take risks with lawyers or law students.

So, I just grabbed the clippers and shaved my head. Ol' Gil cleaned it up afterwards to give it the polished look.

I tossed him a 5 and was out the door.

To my disgust, I later learned that he sold my hair to the local elementary school to use to soak up old vomit.

This world is just way too commercial.

Translations in Engineering

Being an engineer is a unique experience. Non-engineers tend not to understand. Here is a prime example of the interaction between engineers…

The scene takes place at a Mexican restaurant.

EE – Hey, there’s ME… He ditched us for lunch and we both ended up at the same place.

AE – Yeah…

EE – Let’s send ME a margarita…

AE – That would be hilarious.

Laughter

AE – Actually, that would be funny, but margaritas are like nine bucks. Sending ME a margarita would be funny, but probably more like two bucks funny.
EE – I agree. I was thinking one buck each is all the joke was worth.

Cleaning out the inbox

From: Allison
Subject: Now quit being a philistine, and make your own pie...

Nice try. No way in hell I am going to open this email.

I can't even begin to think why anyone would open an email like this. Say for instance, I actually knew someone named Allison. Why would she be calling me a philistine?

I guess the spammers are getting better. I do like pie. If the email had a subject of just "pie" or "make your own pie," I might have opened it. Which would have unleashed a bevy of pop-up ads or whatever are in these stupid eamils...

I never thought my love of pie would be so dangerous.

Spam Abuse Hotline

I keep hearing about people getting conned out of money from phishing scams etc.

I really wonder who these morons are that get tricked by this stuff... Take for instance this great email I got today.

From: Earlene Duffy
Subject: Your d*ck will explode

Ummm... First off what kind of name is Earlene?

Furthermore, why would I want that to explode? Or is it a warning? In such case I am not going to waste time reading emails from people named Earlene.

Just to be safe I am keeping it on ice and wearing a cup.

Snow and Ice

Horrible winter weather in Awesomeville.

The legal academy is shut down for the day and I am miserable… I was really looking forward to the Valentine’s Day lecture on Covenant Against Encumbrance and other features of the Warranty Deed.

Alas, the 4 inches of snow has ruined the day… It is not as bad as the time we had 12 inches of snow in 1993.

You no say daddy me Snow me I'll go blame, A licky boom boom down, Detective mon said daddy me Snow me slide a car down the lane, A licky Boom Boom Down

Honestly, we all know that the real problem is the ice…

What's the point?

Awesomeville Legal Academy night school is not for the faint of heart.

Less than 2 years in, we have lost about half the people in our class (about 40 people gone). It pretty much sucks to be a night student...

Also, I have to pretend to be a cop for a mock trial competition.

I need to go and buy a mustache at the costume store.

Handling the wait

A fact that many people don't know about me is that I am the Office Depot hand.

It's true. Good ol' RedHerring is the hand. I get all types of special treatment. Last night I went to Chili's and they had an enormous 45 minute wait, that's when I put my star status to work.

I hopped into an Office Depot Box (I keep one with me at all times) and then I did the famous finger point. Immediately... We got a sweet booth next to the window.

Of course, I had to sign like 50 autographs and give a bunch of high-fives... Fame does have a price.

Super Bowl Chatter

Who cares who won???

Here's the vital hard-hitting information and insight that this blog is renowned for.

I again over prepared for my party. I have a few dozen left-over cocktail weenies and 4 leftover pizzas.

The best commercial goes to Garmin. Huge bonus points for the extra campy pelvic thrust belt zapper.

Did anyone else (I mean other than the dozen people in my basement) notice that when Prince's shadow cabaret guitar looked like a large phallic? Because we did...

Back in the day...

It was cool to be a smoker. All the cool tough kids in middle school were smokers.

Today it is 20 degrees below freezing in Awesomeville...

The people outside smoking just look cold.

In the name of science...

The best way to find your wingman is to find someone who doesn't like what you like in women. Science may have the answer. Therefore, in the name of science I have ranked the Deal or No Deal models in order of preference...